Is this the death of the Labour Party we are witnessing?

OPINION

Labour has never been this sick before: an election result that was the worst in nearly 100 years, a propensity for swapping leaders like underwear, a fractured support base, the governance of an octopus with multiple-personality disorder and loss of touch with the common New Zealander.

I used to like Labour. It was the counter-balance to the National Party. It would spend all the carefully hoarded gold that National collected while it was in term and, before it could get completely out of control, would get voted out so National could arrest the crazy spending and ideas.

I liked Helen Clark. She was the boss. You knew she was in charge. There was no arguing with that force of nature and she’s gone on to take on the UN.

I liked Phil Goff, I loved the picture of Phil Goff and the bear. Phil was earnest. H fell in the shadow of Aunty Helen, which was a tough gig. The party soon expunged him, chopped him out, and we saw the start of the leadership wars, one in which the army keeps killing the commander by stabbing them in the back, in the middle of battle. Et tu Brutus!

Then we had David Shearer. I liked him too. A tall man who rolled up his sleeves and had experienced life. He went and saw the world, worked for the UN, Save the Children, the International Crisis Group, and published numerous articles in the area of humanitarian affairs and conflict resolution. The army killed him by stabbing him in the back as well.

Then we had David Cunliffe. I didn’t like him. A trained politician, David fumbled his way around the country. Ever the optimist despite the fact that the country didn’t care for him as leader, David refused to see the evidence in front of his face and spent the majority of his time, facing his army, so that he too, didn’t get a dagger between the shoulder blades.

Now this woeful party has lost its way and has no leader, no commander. They are barely the opposition these days with Winston Peters taking that mantle on and, with his opposition coalition moves, he is likely to push Labour down into the political doldrums.

And what of the replacements for leader? They don’t impress me much.

David Cunliffe is finished. He just doesn’t know it. “Tis but a flesh wound!” His arms and legs have been removed and from the bloodied ground he continues to insist that all is well. Who will support him? The labour unions? Why? What can he deliver? Will the anti-male brigade? Obviously not. Cunliffe is a dead duck – he should retire gracefully and grow kiwifruit or beef.

Grant Robertson? Yet another career politician with little experience of life on the ground it would seem. Short in stature and rumoured to have mastered the art of looking busy. Perhaps he can rally the rainbow nation, I don’t know. What I do know is that I think that the rainbow nation has had it’s day, making some huge (and very necessary) gains under Aunty Helen. These days, what’s left to do?

Andrew Little. Darling of the unions, tall and good for a fight. He could be the one. Maybe. Made some excellent right hooks on the ACC issues. Stuck to his guns. Now, if he could just lose the tie, jacket and roll up his sleeves, then we might have a winner.

Annette King? Not these days. Keeps threatening to retire, thinks she could be Wellington mayor, is well remembered for her health care reforms of the late 1990s that saw the system turn on a pin and collapse. Past her prime and with no friends.

It doesn’t matter though, because the rabble that has killed off the last few leaders only agrees on one thing. Be them the unionist, the rainbow nation, the activists, the men haters, the women haters, the bearded dancing ladies, of the bare chested socialists, they can only agree on one thing.

Kill the leader.

Until that rabble are cleaned up, we’ll be going nowhere.

Here’s what I’d do.

Hire an axe person. Someone to clean that rabble up. A commander who will turn back in on their treasonous army and hang the deserters, hang the backstabbers, hunt down the whisperers, turn out the puppet masters, retire their captains, and create a new army, with a new purpose, and a new vision.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a mayoral hopeful in the last Wellington City Council election. She asked me to try and picture the mayoral candidates wearing the mayoral chains. I was left with two of the pack. The point being, that we try, subconsciously, to picture a candidate as the leader of a party, or mayor, or prime minister. Those that don’t fit, won’t fit, and won’t be successful.

It’s a damn shame they got rid of David Shearer. He was Putin-esque in his stature, he was a man who would not be pictured with a bear but riding the bear. He rolled his sleeves up and would have punched scabs if they crossed picket lines. He would have picked up the shovel and worked on road crews to build motorways. He would have bitch slapped moaners, whiners, and malcontents within the party. He would have been the glorious leader.

Labour was always for me about the common man, the worker, the middle class, more centre than left. Now they are squeezed between the Greens and an expanding National Party. National hasn’t even tried to move left. They’ve simply stepped into a gap Labour have left.

Their next leader better be a good one or we may see for the first time in recent history a fourth term of National. One thing is for certain, the Labour Party can’t find commonality of the day of the week. It is doomed if it does not flush the system out. I tell you another thing for free: some figurative balls could be grown – that might help.

David Lange and Aunty Helen must be sad.

Ian Apperley is the director at Isis Group and blogs at Whatisitwellington

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